Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

   In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.

   This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

   A bumper sticker read: "My Pembroke Welsh Corgi is smarter than your Honors Student." Please, someone, make that academic face-off happen.

   If you're yelling into FaceTime in an airport bar, the rest of us get to lean over your shoulder and join the conversation.

   When a sudden wind kicks up piles of leaves and the weather vane makes an ominous creaky turn, it just means a cool new witch moved to town.

   Couple beside me in the restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

   Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.

   Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   Guys, I need ur advice .... How many hours should I allow my friend to mourn the loss of his phone before I ask him to give me his charger and earphones? 🌚#Serious

   Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?

   89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".

   *shines flashlight under chin... 'And the phones were attached to the walls and didn't have cameras'.... *teenagers scream. Two pass out

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Just want to be rich enough to support my alcoholism with quality wine.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   You met her at church but she still could be Satan.