Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home