Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.

   I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

   Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

   I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking.

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.