Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."

   Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.

   I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food

   Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!