Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.

   Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?

   Not to worry Kraft. At least you're not Chicago.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.

   As a parent my diet over the year has primarily consisted of all the food my kids have left on their plates.

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"

   There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.

   My dogs are great as I can always count on them to alert me of danger outside.....and my neighbors coming home, squirrels passing by, the garbage truck in the morning, when the mail man comes and sudden gusts of wind.

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

   What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   Does Chewbacca have 2 nipples like a human or two rows of them like an dog??

   I just observed a sign that said "How do nudists clean their glasses?" so there's that question to keep you up at night.

   Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.