Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her.

   You may have been drunk before, but you haven't been lightsaber fighting in the street at 2 am drunk.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Are nap dates a thing? Because that's something I can work with....

   its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside

   One thing I've learned about women is they prefer that I don't speak

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   You Go Girl!!! And don’t come back.

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   Things I Hate About Work: 1) Waking up. 2) No drinking. 3) Humans. 4) Working. 5) Drinking is frowned upon. 6) Can't hide in the bathroom all day.

   My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Nothing screams I need to get laid like screaming I need to get laid!

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.