Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?

   According to the women's beach volleyball game I just watched, I don't need Viagra after all. :/

   ... Just been watching Ladies Olympic Beach Volleyball and there has already been a wrist injury .... But I should be OK by Monday

   Settle down homemade play dough parents.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.

   The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.

   It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was chased by Usain Bolt but managed to get away.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady

   RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive.

   KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family. KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised.

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.