Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These kids gonna be dumb AF. We never missed these many days of school in our life

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

   Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

   Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the WiFi password is so he has time to find the little piece of paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   What’s the difference between an airplane and the US? The plane’s left wing isn’t trying to crash it into the dirt.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.