Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Banks need to do a better job filling their ATM's. 3rd one in a row that's saying "Insufficient Funds"

   Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   Why does this dental floss refuse to let me toss it into the bathroom trash can?

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Evidently, Miracle Whip is not an intuitive substitution for Cool Whip. I know this now.

   The world would be much more fun if every restaurant was an all you could eat buffet.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file. Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   I want to take a moment to thank my skeletal system for being so supportive all these years.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.