Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Walmart is asking customers to wear masks. Good luck with that. They can't even get them to wear pants...

   i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right about now.

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.