Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.

   This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you!

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   I believe that children are our future... ...it's why I got the vasectomy.

   You can't spell amusement without semen!