Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   HOW TO WRAP PRESENTS: - Ask somebody else to wrap presents

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.

   My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...

   A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

   Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

   Yesterday was a great day. The mailman delivered to me a Three Dog Night cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.