Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

   When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.