Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.

   The more money you make, the more it costs to make it.

   My walls are full of cotton candy!

   Cat ~ I showed you my butthole, please respond.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Gotta have a little sadness occasionally so you know when the good times come. Waiting on the good times now.

   Time is precious, waste it wisely.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

   Elon Musk has offered to buy CNN+ for $50.00

   Her: My God! Where did you learn to use those fingers? Him: (picking a boogie)

   Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.

   No, I’m being nice. I’ll be happy to show you the difference.

   Justice Alito’s (draft) decision isn’t a ruling on anything other than Fed Overreach.

   Asked the produce guy if I could try a grape. He said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it.

   Hold my beer and watch this.

   I don't like to brag about expensive trips I go on but that last trip to the gas station really cost me.

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Brain: Don’t press send! Heart: But, we’re in love. Brain: We only met her yesterday!