Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

   Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as dumb as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

   It’s impossible to plug in my genderless extension cord.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.

   There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do

   Drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee goes down like a chubby kid on a seesaw.

   Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.

   Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.

   Are you a ceiling fan? Because I need someone to blow me while I sleep.

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   One day You Tube, Twitter and Facebook will be joined together and be called, You-twit-face.

   1543 - The third booster leech isn’t working, better give him a fourth leech!

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.