Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lumber shortage, worker shortage, gas shortage, rubber shortage… You know what we don’t have a shortage of right now? Idiots.

   I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   You know, spooning leads to forking, right?

   Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

   Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   I’ll go to bed soon. I just want to read like 4 more things that make me furious.

   If I’m ever killed by a mountain lion, my last words were probably, “here kitty, kitty.”

   busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   like a squirrel, tired from busting nuts all day.

   If you get bit by a shark, bite it back. You’re probably still gonna die, but the shark will be like, lol wtf?

   I’m tired of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

   Her: go deeper. Him: cereal is breakfast soup. Her: please don’t stop.

   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

   If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

   What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

   You know what horror game enemies need? Big boobs. I mean a real set of badonkers, that would be frightening.

   When you pee in a pop bottle and give it to someone and say, “ here, try this smello yellow.”