Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   Gas Pump: Do you want a receipt? Me: No, I’d rather forget this.

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   “The real president is whoever controls the teleprompter.” ~ Elon Musk

   Garlic bread takes any meal from a 3 to a solid 10.

   When your girl butt dials you, but all you hear is trap music and slurping sounds.

   You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapist.

   We will never create enough laws to control evil. Evil does not obey laws.

   Them: What is your plan if a big war starts? Me: I’m pretty sure my boss wants me to work that day, so I guess I’m working.

   Love when the washing machine gets to the angry part, let it out girl.

   Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and beautiful person in the world. I cannot be everywhere all at once.

   Failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

   Tu Youyou ~ The first woman to win a Nobel Prize for medicine. Also known for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

   My mortgage identifies as a student loan.

   The .50 caliber handgun, when there’s a burglar behind a refrigerator at your neighbor’s house.

   The Monkeypox vaccine will only be available in suppository form.

   Before you speak, ask yourself a few questions. Is it necessary? Is it funny? Will everyone understand it? Will it offend someone? Glad to help.