Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think all 3 of my ex girlfriends have sold Herbalife, so yeah, I'm doing really great!!!

   I live in a Madhouse run by a tiny army that I made myself.

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   Think fate is telling me to sell my Yahoo! stock.

   Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.

   Working in an office at a desk is very bad for your heart. To combat this, walk outside and take a smoking break as much as possible.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.

   Writing silly jokes here instead of calling my parents to find out how they've been these past 3 months. Am I still in the running for the Child Of The Year award?

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.

   The mosquito subletting my apartment seems to find me delicious.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.

   My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.

   Just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.

   Haven't been to war, but I've been to a water park where "fun" is climbing rope ladders barefoot while buckets of water are dumped on you.

   Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.

   If you're going to fight with your spouse at the grocery store, I'm going to put on a rally cap and start cheering for whoever is losing.

   Drugs are bad but if there were ever a reason for cocaine, it would be having kids.

   I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.

   Amazed to hear Hooter's had a free wings for mom on Mother's Day because nothing makes mom prouder than letting her know she raised a cheapskate and a perv.