Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.

   Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.

   if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

   A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   Never underestimate the power of Stupid People in large groups.

   After all that has happened this year all we need now is Dallas Cowboys win Super Bowl!!!!

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.

   How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

   Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.

   Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity

   With great power comes a great Electricity bill

   When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.

   You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.