Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

   I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents

   My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.

   Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"

   I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

   Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

   Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

   Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.

   When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

   I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.

   CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

   [Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.

   Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.

   if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.