Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always buy flowers when on a date with a vegan. So they have something to eat when I take them to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

   This presidential election is class warfare -- that is, a war between those who paid attention in class and those who did not.

   Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."

   Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

   If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss