Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that. 
How I love #Monday. On a different subject. Have you ever met someone for the first time and wanted to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?
Congrats to Alec Baldwin on securing a steady gig for the next 4 yrs.
Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity
With great power comes a great Electricity bill
When Thanksgiving is over, you have my permission to listen to Christmas music.
You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wifes clothes !
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature
Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.
I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.
My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.
I think when Trump says Mexico will pay for that wall he doesn't mean the Government but El Chapo's seized 14bn assets from criminal forfeiture.
NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'
My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.
After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.
Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'
How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?
The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough.
Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
Just so we dont have black kids running around the neighborhood looking suspicous -It's "Pokemon Yo". Keeps all your searches confined to your welfare housing project. 