Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   Had a hen who could count her own eggs, she was a mathmachicken.

   You’ll repeat what you don’t repair.

   There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   Being sarcastic on a regular basis can add up to three years to your life.

   The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   Facebook reaction emoji’s look a lot like a relationship from start to finish. Like, Love, Ha-Ha, Wow, Crying, Angry.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.