Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too 
Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.
The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.
How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?
I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.
Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!
Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.
What do I like most about people? Their dogs....
Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence
My inner self is in Photoshop
I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.
NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..
If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀
Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".
rubix cube: the original fidget toy
Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.
One of the best feelings ever:
Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep. 