Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the movies everybody laughs when somebody says "You can trust me ... I'm from the Government!" HAHAHAHA ..... But come election time ..... We all seem to have collective brainwashed amnesia and dutifully vote for the biggest Government Con-Person.

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."

   October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.

   Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.