Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.

   The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.