Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

   Glad to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.