Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.

   Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   we need funny material not people who think they are funny

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   If you see a animal stuck in a trap, free them. If you see a child crying, comfort them. If you see Kanye West crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.