Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons . . . other times they just chase me down the street after I steal money from their wallets.

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   Just want to wish everyone a happy new year!....in case you missed the million posts before this one saying the same thing.

   I tried to order plain Jello at a restaurant and it was fruitless.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe. Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

   From my 12yr old: "My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application"

   my body: please, eat something green me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

   I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works

   Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

   I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

   there’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? trash. there is a lot of trash in the sea.

   Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer

   Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

   Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on. Me: ok (later at home) Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.