Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you piece of crap!"

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   I'm at my highest dad level when I see a toddler stroking a cat in the wrong direction.

   My biggest problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

   My 10 year old: Lands 14 platsic water bottle flips in a row, can't hit laundry basket with dirty socks.

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?

   This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   Korean scientists have announced that have successfully cloned two Macaques! It's impossible to tell them apart..said one of the monkeys!!

   Don’t send me the 1 pic you liked lemme see the hundred you didn’t like

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."