Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   I just wish the light stays green at the intersection all day, today....

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   Ya know, people use to come to Facebook to air their dirty laundry...Now they're coming here to air themselves eating laundry pods...The irony!!

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   If you don't know them personally. Don't take what they say personally.

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers

   Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes

   Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were

   Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day

   Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.

   I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.

   I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Maybe Gaston was just being honest about his abilities to put on a great musical performance every night at the tavern