Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"

   Plan a romantic evening but instead of rose petals sprinkle a path of grated cheese to the bedroom.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.

   Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

   All I know about love I've learned from my dogs, which is when someone scratches your back you should roll over and show them your nipples.

   She's Like the Wind is my favorite romantic ballad about a beautiful young girl who farts a lot.

   Do they make Three Martini Lunchables?

   Taco Bell is doing a promotion where if a player steals a base in the World Series,,, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco.. Which is a great way for both players and fans to have lots of runs.

   Don't let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.

   It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.

   I'm too tired to stay awake and watch... It feels like this U.S. Election night is Christmas Eve, and America's worried Santa might leave coal and sticks instead of presents in the morning.

   I Wonder if the Bloods ever feel conflicted voting Blue?

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite Fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans

   Leaving the house with 50% battery on your phone is almost as bad as leaving without your wallet.

   Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.

   What if our dreams are just us seeing what the other versions of ourselves in alternate universes are doing?

   When you need magic to happen all you have to do is say "Abra cadabra" and realize you're an idiot for thinking you could make magic happen.

   Forbes says Taylor Swift was the highest earning musician this year taking home $170 million. Every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, she writes a hit song about it. If this doesn't show what men can do for you ladies, I don't know what does.