Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !