Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

   The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

   Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?

   If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".

   If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.

   Someone threw a jar of mayo at me...I was like, "what the Hellmann"?

   I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   By the time we can have a drink in a bar again, Captain Morgan will be an Admiral.

   Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

   Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

   Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉

   tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country