Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask. 
The walls of hospitals have heard more sincere prayers than the walls of masjid,temples and churches.....
If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
Wife: I'm going to have a baby! What do you hope it is? Husband: April Fools Day?
If women are supposed to be so good at multi-tasking, how come they can't have sex and a headache at the same time?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!
There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.
It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".
If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.
Breaking News! So quiet at the Clinton camp you could hear Bill's pants drop! 😉
tomorrow, a very large shipment of President Clinton merchandise will get shipped to some under developed country
You hoes saying you're leaving America but can't even leave your boyfriend after he's cheated on you 32 times
Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
I just found my old Boom Box up in the attic. Anyone have 56 D-size batteries I can borrow?
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the bad guy for tripping him?
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
"If you build it, they will come." -Inventor of the Vibrator 