Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show

   With most women it's not about how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at......LOL Who am I kidding, even the homeless women go after the homeless guys with the most stuff

   I need a bumper sticker that says "Sorry for driving so close in front of you."

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   I signed up for aerobics classes and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence

   Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.

   If running on a treadmill was only way to Recharge our phones, we would be the healthiest people on the planet

   My boss wants to send me to a Time Management training class. Is he serious? I'm way too busy for that!

   Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks because he thinks they are stupid

   Why is it that in the parking lot I can remember all 6 things my wife wanted me to pick up, but as soon as I am in the store I cant even remember 1?

   Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.

   The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.

   I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   This Frito-Lay truck has a sign on back saying DRIVER CARRIES NO CASH and joke's on them. I am not interested in cash.

   The larger the implants, the more likely women get confused by a push/pull door

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.