Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

   Anyone who doesn't request unlimited salad and breadsticks as their last meal is an idiot

   "How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?" "It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.

   Values of the woke: Victimizing yourself is powerful, bravery is dangerous, self-responsibility is someone else’s responsibility, reality isn’t real.