Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1139 of 6446

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
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06-09-2020 08:23
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Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica
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06-10-2020 08:34
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I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.
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09-17-2020 13:28
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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09-28-2020 09:36
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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10-02-2020 13:36
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I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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10-19-2020 15:10
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yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families
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11-10-2020 08:23
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In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
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12-03-2020 18:39 by MMOH
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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12-29-2020 09:29
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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01-11-2021 08:04
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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01-15-2021 12:23
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McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?
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03-15-2021 15:11
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We've been conditioned to think that only politicians can solve our problems. At some point, perhaps one day we will actually wake up and recognize that that it was those politicians who actually created our problems in the first place.
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11-01-2016 11:08
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Polls are good for three things, skiing, fishing and strippers.

Stop saying you're moving out of the country. You can't even move out of your parents house so you're not going anywhere. Shut up already.
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11-08-2016 23:33
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If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....
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11-18-2016 15:33
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You just don’t see people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
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12-04-2016 15:45
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Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.
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12-09-2016 18:17 by snotty
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Somehow I'm not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
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12-10-2016 09:16
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