Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   If you see someone crying, ask if is because of their haircut.

   A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop

   Well…. It’s “we finally got Donald Trump day” again.

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.