Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   Find a girl that takes care of you, like the press takes care of Joe Biden.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.

   Talking to some people is as frustrating as trying to eat applesauce with chopsticks.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.

   I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

   Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them also to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.

   My mama told me I could become anything I wanted. So I became a problem.

   Bedtime Tip: Ring the doorbell on your way to bed at night...this will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable...

   Forgive and forget? What? Do I look like Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I played baseball with a bunch of orphans yesterday. I won, because none of them knew where home was.

   My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.

   I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.