Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   You know your girlfriend is horny when you put your hand up her skirt and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

   North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.

   Looks like all the funny kids are back in school...

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   For a person who loves having a lot of gold things. That trump would have a golden retriever.

   To the people who are offended by this song...Well...let me tell you.. The Lady is a Tramp song by Frank Sinatra was a song written about my mother! Now,if you got a problem with thiat Then....Obviously that means you must have slept with her..

   * A russian couple, Rudolf & Tosha are driving home. Tosha: Looks like it's starting to snow. Rudolf: It's rain. Tosha: no I think it's snow. Rudolf: Rudolf the "red" knows rain dear.

   I'm sure the white house has leaks....it's an old building

   * Kinky versus perverded kinky is useing a feather during sex. Perverded is useing the whole duck.

   who gives a rat ass - nuttin we can do about it anyways

   I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.

   * Reverend mother has been constipated for a week. The nuns tried home remedies without sussess. One nun said how about I go out to a bar. The other nuns ask how will that help ? She said if I go and come back drunk reverend mother will sh*t for sure.

   Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

   I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening

   I made a wish to feel young again. I woke up the next morning with a zit on my nose.

   Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?

   "Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won't.

   Can someone explain how Jaime fell off a horse in ankle deep water & then sank into the abyss? Thanks

   A quick temper will make a fool of you very soon. Especially for a lot of people here.