Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   I am sure glad no one got a picture of my full moon....

   WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???

   For Sale: Eclipse glasses. Like new. Only used once. Make offer.

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   Go Home Eclipse!! You are Drunk!!

   I thought cross fit was a way to get abs like Jesus.

   "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." -Me, singing to my vitamin D supplement.

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   Everyone keeps talking about a civil war. A key detail everyone keeps forgetting...one side has 8 trillion bullets and the other doesn't know which bathroom to use.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   The white house staff has more turnovers than a bakery.

   If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance

   I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change