Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm

   If you think your job is pointless, remember: There are people in Germany installing turn signals on BMWs.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.

   Every time there's a massive Powerball jackpot I'm a winner, by not playing and saving $2.

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   If you think cow farts are making hurricanes stronger, you might be watching to much CNN.

   I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing by not sounding fat?