Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on

   I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up again and ruin Christmas again this year.

   I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?

   Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Don't forget that today is "small business Saturday" so only subscribe to OnlyFans accounts in your town

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   Girlfriend asked me if I seen the dog bowl. I said no but that would be very interesting.

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   The gateway to "make up sex" is arguing. Go start a good argument and then give in for the reward.

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."