Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session

   "Don't know what to tell you. He was just a quiet guy who kept to himself." -What my neighbors are say about me when it all goes wrong.

   Do I love my co workers ? No But are they really good at their job and make my life easier ? Also no

   Beaver's mother was Barbara Billingsley, you dum@$$!

   Answering your cell phone when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitch-hiker.

   Condolences to all the church sanctioned pedophiles, your Pedo king has died .

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I'm cool...like the sweat from a snowman.

   High On Life 2

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   Some days I feel as if Lady Justice has taken off her blindfold, dipped it into some water and cracked me on the rear end with it.

   To help reduce cost, this written status was typed in china.

   Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her "He's busy" and then switch off the cell phone.

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years.

   May you all have a prosperous New Year in 2023. (I may need to borrow some money)

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.