Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's this? A building is on fire? Not to worry. I'll stop the fire with my thoughts and prayers.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   Back when I was in high school, we didn't have guns to shoot people. We used our fists!

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do they tilt their head in pictures ?

   Shout out to all the motel maids changing the sheets and the plumbers unclogging the hair filled drains this morning.

   The difference between the company I work for and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE.

   When a kitten is chasing shadows it's all "Aww's" but when I do it, all I get is strange looks & pointing.

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   I've kicked Stormy Daniels out of bed more times than I can remember.

   For the past 20 years I've got a valentine card from a secret admirer. And was sad when I didn't get one this year. Frist my meemaw dies, now this.

   When I see lover's names craved into a tree. I don't think it's cute. I just think it strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Cupid. That makes sense to me, because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   I just received a letter from my crush on Valentine's Day. Well, technically it's a restraining order, but still....

   Happy Valentines Day to the happy couple, Donald Trump & Stormy Daniels.

   Oh, my bad. It's Ash Wednesday, with an 'h'... Sorry, honey. You can go back to sleep.

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius