Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells. I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants

   Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?