Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Who knew Top Secret docs make excellent shop towels?

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.....The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.... Feeling better today

   A man's home is his castle. UNTIL the queen comes home.

   cow: [feeling sick] I have four stomachaches

   Want to talk trash? Recycle.

   Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in January

   Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

   got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

   Bite me again – my bottom lip

   A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

   I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.

   Food is an important part of a balanced diet.