Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cleaning

   Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

   MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

   game over

   ask why

   ever ask why

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said “Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me. So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   Question, Can Happiness buy money?

   I'll be baby sitting this Valentine's Day $150 per kid. (inbox me)

   I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

   Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

   My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

   If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁