Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine a world where everyone looked like their profile pictures.

   If you found your wife or husband on a dating website, it’s only romantic if it isn’t 3 years after you got married.

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were good years.

   me: hold me while I sleep anaesthesiologist: no

   me: my cup runneth over... sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

   Trump was chosen to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, but he couldn’t go because of bone-spurs.

   Trump is basically King Solomon, but stupid. He can’t think of a solution to the country’s problems, so he just divided it in two.

   Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

   I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

   My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

   Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

   My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

   I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

   My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.

   This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.

   My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

   Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"