Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..

   We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight,he's going to see the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse!

   Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   time to stop draggin my tush (not literally like dogs do)...gotta get a move on

   This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

   finally reached the Apex of Standardized Suckitude

   why is it when there is a 50-50 chance of doing something right, 90% of the time you do it wrong

   woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass

   Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

   I WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST FOR 24 HOURS...You can ask me 1 question (only in my INBOX). Any question, no matter how crazy, sinister or wrong it is. You have my FULL honesty, but I DARE you to put this text on your status and see what questions you get!!

   Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still sh*t your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough sh*t.

   she was my cream, and I was her coffee - And when you poured us together, it was something.....

   wondering if everyone expecting it now finally realizes the only "change" is in their pocket.

   Tiger's wife is willing to forgive him if he changes his name to Cheatah.

   They say lifes a b1tch and then you die. I say lifes great. The only b1tch thing about it is dying.

   A president with a MYSPACE?!?! WOW should we really trust this guy?..

   how are you supposed to read lady gaga's po po po po poker face, if it's all covered up with all that wierd cr*p?

   The secret is Victoria is actually Victor!!!