Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Applied to be a Porn Star...Was told I'm over qualified.

   Many advertisers are taking Tiger Woods' name out of their advertisements because the association is becoming too embarrassing. In a related story, New Jersey is thinking of removing their name from the Nets.

   Walking through walmart filling a cart with one item from every isle then leavin it at customer service. Then I am taking carts out to fill the parking lot stalls to give the 20 employees standing around something to do.

   thinks that there's gotta be a Heaven, cause I've already done my time in Hell.

   "my #1 New Year's Resolution is to make sure that my New Year's Resolution list does NOT expire in about a month.."

   officially have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are alphabetical order. AS THEY SHOULD BE.

   LEAVING CAPS LOCK ON UNTIL 2010

   tried living every day as if it was his last, but all that did was ruin his credit.

   should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.

   ou of coverage area, won't be back till next year.. Oups, I mean next week.

   has his food, water, bateries, and flashlights ready for Y2010k! They say it's going to be 10x worse than Y2K!

   taking a laxative and going to bed, i'm tired

   Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors???????????????Because if it had 4 it would be called a chicken sedan...........

   Pet Peeve #27: When you ask how old a child is and the reply is "Oh she/he's 15 months" Seriously! Why can't it just be he/she is a year old? From now on Imma be like "Oh I'm 389 months"

   Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...

   Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store

   Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

   got a head start on Christmas next year, I already have my tree up!

   The National Eczema Association are currently fundraising. They've just launched a scratch card.

   When the infidels came and put him down, MuhamedBob turned into a clown, now no afterlife virgin will want to dance with the fool who went and, burned his pants