Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sorry that he cheated on his wife, hopes you believe in him again, and wishes these bruises from the 9-iron up his a$$ would heal already!

   Tiger Woods: "I regret leaving Buddhism for Bootyism".

   didn't know that Tiger was a Buddhist. Maybe it was all of those Buddha calls that got him in trouble.

   The more you watch Maury the less your kids look like you.

   …clearly they have no idea how funny it is when they give us the fish eye after a sneak attack…

   You know the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" ..... well for girls its " Why buy the whole pig, when all ur gonna get is a lil sausage...

   damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.

   My uncle once told me, believe in yourself, work hard, and try not to have sex with other peoples wifes

   A wise old man once told me, I'm a wise old man so I'm allowed to touch you in the bathing suit area. He taught me alot of things

   surprised that, during his press conference, Tiger didn't give thanks for being honored with the Enviromentalist of the Year Award. The one he recieved for picking up all that white trash.

   all the while Tiger Woods is thinking "Once again, the provebial excrement hits the oscillating air device. . . "

   So my buddys status said "Standing on the edge of a cliff." So I poked him. I don't really like him that much.... yeah you know who you are.

   Those candy necklaces are overrated because you end up with all that spit on your neck!!!

   just found out that Lindsey Vonn had her gold medal taken away by Obama. The reason is that he is going down hill faster than she did.

   *Breaking news*...Tiger woods has crashed his Cadillac into another tree at the dogleg right on his way to the news conference. In a show of bravery during Black History Month, O.J. has picked him up in a White Ford Bronco.

   going to Diseny World to play with my Make Believe friends

   wondering why if you can flash back to the past, why can't you flash foward to pay day?

   Just because you people don't have originality doesn't mean you have to hate on ours. Make your own status you freakin nazi's!

   what do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega saur-ass

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.